Desperately Seeking Clarity

Mmmm.... I am taking in so many different kinds of information these days. Everything from newsletters sent home from my children's teachers to rich course content in an online course I am taking. It's a lot and it is all part of my effort to get clear on a few things.

September is my January. It feels more like a New Year to me than the one that officially starts January 1 and so that is probably why I've been doing a lot of soul searching. Last year I felt like a complete failure on the mom front. It was a rough school year and I played a huge part in how rough it was for all of us. I will give you an example... Last year I drove my two younger children to school every day. Of the three of us, the youngest --who was 4 years-old for the first half of the year -- is the most motivated in the morning, AND this is a little girl who would sleep until 10:00 a.m. every day if she could. Our mornings were tough on all of us and I just wasn't very good at handling it.

This year, they ride the bus to school. The other day they missed the bus. When I told them they missed the bus and I would be driving them to school my son burst into tears and screamed, "I'M HAVING FLASHBACKS TO WHEN YOU TOOK US TO SCHOOL LAST YEAR!!!"

Hmmmm...

Now, I can't take full credit for the flashbacks. I think some of his horror was due in part to the teacher who greeted him in a not so friendly way each day. The ramifications of running a little late are intensified when the person to whom you are running isn't very welcoming. But still. I knew I had work to do to help rewrite my son's school story.

My work is around figuring out what I am capable of in the realm of being the primary caregiver for my family and starting a creative business at the same time. I am finding that it is necessary for me to be okay with baby steps in the business area. Last year I said yes to everything and tried to get myself "out there" as much as possible. I stayed up late working on multiple projects and had a hard time waking up most mornings. I taught a few classes after school and had to arrange for childcare for my children. This year I want to make sure I am home when my kids get off the bus each day. I need to be more selective when it comes to deciding how to put myself "out there." I am okay with that. I am clear on that.

What I just realized that I wasn't clear on was exactly what my intentions are in being home for my children or facilitating a retreat for a group of women. I thought I wanted to help people. You know? Because I am a helper. After last weekend's retreat (which was AWESOME by the way...more on that another time), I realized that YES, I definitely do what I do because I want to help people.

BUT, what I really want is to...

...help people help themselves. There is a HUGE difference.

I want to help people.

I want to help people help themselves.

This is as true for my kids as it is for anyone I work with. I am not here solely to whisk in and chase all my children's problems away. I would LOVE to be able to do that! But I am not their fairy godmother, I am their MOTHER. My job is to give them everything I can to help them help themselves. Because I'm not going to be around forever.

I thought I set out to do the work I do because I want to help people. I was getting a little caught up in that idea - maybe even anticipating that I am way more powerful than I truly am - that I have some kind of magical helping wand and when I wave it all your problems will vanish (I wish I could do that, but it's just not real). With the work that I do there is really only so much I can do to help anyone. The rest is on them. I think what I want to do is inspire people, to empower people, and to share what I know in case it might help them to feel less alone or to solve a problem or to create something beautiful.

Now that I think about it, I think it is one of the most loving things you can do - to help someone help themselves. I like that.

So, this is what I am clear on now, thanks to all that soul searching... I show up here to share my stories and some tools that help me stay present in the moment and accomplish the things I need to do - for myself and for others. I hope that by sharing what works for me you may find a thing or two that works for you. That's all. I think sharing is so powerful. It has the potential to unlock doors and create flow where one is stuck. When I had this moment of clarity I knew I had to share it. Think about it - where could you use some clarity in your life?

When I show up here, I am committed to sharing - open, honest, from the heart sharing... the rest is up to you.

xoxoxo

Give-Away for Soul Comfort! WOOHooooooo!

Jewel sings a song called Life Uncommon. The Brave Girls Club introduced me to it. It is a beautiful song. When I hear it, my heart stills. Maybe you could listen to it, if you've never heard it. Get it started and come back to me.

I don't want to spoil anything for you, in case you ever attend Brave Girl Camp (and I reallllllly hope you will), and honestly even if I told you every single detail of every bitty morsel of my camp experience, it would still blow you away (I attended in July of 2012). I must tell you this though... to sit in a circle of women whose paths, while so very different, intersected at Brave River Ranch in Idaho - women who started as complete strangers, but who over the course of minutes together became lifelong friends, and listen to Brave Girls Club co-founder Kathy Wilkins sing Life Uncommon as she plays the guitar... it is like living in heaven on earth. Kathy has the voice of an angel. It is an experience I will never forget.

Jewel sings "...We are tired, we are weary, but we aren't worn out...lend your voices only to sounds of freedom. No longer lend your strength to that which you wish to be free from. Fill your lives with love and bravery and we shall lead a life uncommon."

That is what Brave Girls Club is all about - filling our lives with love and bravery and giving us tools to lead magical, melodious, harmonious lives. When I think about Brave Girls Club and the ways in which their offerings have enriched my life, the shifts I have experienced since my first Brave Girl online class at the start of 2012 seem far from common. I had no idea that online classes that I could take from the comfort of my own home whenever it was convenient for me even existed and now, roughly a year and a half later, I am in the very beginning stages of figuring out how to offer an online class of my own.

What if something has simple and fun as an online class could change your life?

Somewhere I read or heard Brave Girls Club co-founder and Kathy's sister Melody Ross say that she believes in sharing things that can help people. I'm not gonna lie. I adore Melody. She inspires me. She is kind and compassionate, creative and incredibly talented, and she and Kathy and every sweet soul affiliated with Brave Girls Club embody LOVE. And, they are so real. Their love is soooo real.

So anyway, the whole sharing thing is what inspired me to jump on this blog-fest train. I also believe that goodness is meant to be shared. Anyone who has spent any amount of time with me (even seconds. Even complete strangers. Seriously.) is likely to have heard me say, "Have you heard of Brave Girls Club?" I am a passionate sharer of all things Brave Girls Club.

Of course I want to share an opportunity TO WIN A SPOT IN THEIR NEW ONLINE CLASS: SOUL COMFORT! You can read all about it here.

In short, this is an invitation to...

To the tired, the exhausted, the overstretched…

Life can be simple.

What if we celebrated the brave act of….taking a break?

What if simplicity, comfort, and quiet were the goal?

What if there really was a way to quiet the chatter in our minds and let us
recharge our body & soul?

And what if it was fun, too?

Introducing a new eCourse . . .

Soul Comfort 

Really? Yes, really. Whatever Brave Girls Club offers, they deliver that, and always so much more. 

You can count on this class to be . . .

• enlightening, enjoyable, fun, & simple
• customizable with many choices to fit your exact style
• interactive, encouraging, and supportive with a private community on Facebook 
• and weekly live chats
• a beautiful experience that will help you relax, simplify, and enjoy your life 
• a place to learn simple new ways to journal, 
• plus the  ”Brave Girl” way to use stitching and such 
• to create both beautiful things you’ll love AND peaceful relaxing moments
• a place to learn exactly what nourishes YOUR body and soul
• how to fit comforting rituals into your day
• something that you can finish without feeling overwhelmed
• produced with the level of caring and attention to detail that Brave Girls Club is known for

I have a really good feeling about this because I recently assembled my own little toolbox that I use to make pages in my Blessings Journal each day (most days...). I have certainly seen the benefits of taking a little time to create something each day. I feel grounded, more centered, and whole. And since my focus is on gratitude, I feel grateful - grateFULL if you will.

a page from my Blessings Journal

I was so excited when I saw that this class was being offered. When I signed up I requested access to the Facebook group for students and the love and support being shared there is already so heartwarming. Class hasn't even started!

Sooooo...

Why do you think women have such a hard time taking care of themselves in the ways they so lovingly care for others?

Post your answer in the Comments box at the bottom of this page to enter my drawing for a spot in Soul Comfort. It's that simple! I will randomly draw a name on Saturday, September 21. I will pass along the winner's name to Brave Girls Club and YOU will be ready for some soul comfort like you never imagined. I can't wait to see you in class! xoxo

p.s. click here to see a list of other blogs participating in this give-away - you can enter all of them!

9/11, Depression, and the Meaning of Life

Many people are remembering 9/11 today. It's hard not to remember. So many of us can recall exactly what we were doing when we first heard the devastating news - for me it was that a plane crashed into a building in New York City. I remember a group of students gathered around a TV screen in one of the Social Work buildings. It was one of our first day of classes. I wasn't sure what they were watching, but I cruised right by already late to class.

We moved our desks into a circle. There were a few people frantically pushing numbers on their cell phones. The instructor had the affect of someone trying to maintain calm. It turned out that several of my classmates' families were in New York and my classmates were trying to reach them. As the beginnings of the story of 9/11 unfolded, we exchanged looks of shock. Our professor asked that we stay for the full 2.5 hours of class. We thought she was crazy.

I remember going home and watching the news all day long. I remember going to bed terrified. I couldn't snuggle in close enough to my husband and I finally fell asleep wondering what kind of world I was bringing my firstborn into as I thought about him sprouting from a little seed inside my belly. Earlier in the day I had wondered if our new insurance plan would cover my pregnancy - we had just moved to Michigan from Arlington, Virginia. That seemed like a non-issue at bedtime. I couldn't stop thinking about how I had driven past the Pentagon every day on my way to work when we lived in Arlington. I couldn't begin to make sense of what had happened in our country - the land of the free and home of the brave - that day. Nobody could.

It is National Suicide Prevention Week. I saw a post on Facebook yesterday about a group call To Write Love On Her Arms. According to their mission statement, this is a  "movement is dedicated to presenting hope and finding help for people struggling with depression, addiction, self-injury, and suicide..."

Yesterday's call was to write the word "LOVE" on your arm to help raise awareness. So I did that, knowing that finding hope and help for these issues specifically is a cause that I hold close to my heart.

When I woke this morning to stories of 9/11 and LOVE on my arm, I began to think about graduate school and how I had diagnosed myself with almost every mood disorder I learned about in class. It was actually quite liberating to learn that there was an entire vocabulary for the feelings I had struggled with my entire life.

In a different Facebook post yesterday, someone I know shared a picture of LOVE on her arm. She included a note to her dad - I gathered he had committed suicide. I thought about my dad's sudden death about 3.5 years ago. He didn't commit suicide, but before we knew the cause of his death, the possibility that he did commit suicide wasn't out of the question. With drugs and alcohol, he certainly found other less severe ways to escape the pain he felt in his life.

After his death, I pretty much fell apart. With three little people to care for and my husband back at work, I knew I needed help. I decided to take anti-anxiety medication. While my grief intensified my anxiety and symptoms of depression, it is true that living with anxiety was something I had been doing my whole life. I didn't have words for the constant feeling that something could go wrong at any second until I learned more about anxiety and depression in graduate school. I thought I was "too sensitive" while the truth was I felt things really deeply. Maybe more deeply than other people. When the pain was too much bear, I looked for ways to hide it or dull it. 

When I finally decided to take medication for my anxiety it was in part because I remembered a friend saying to me "Anna, you don't have to live this way" referring to my constant state of anxiety. I never wanted to take medication, but at that point - after my dad died - I didn't think I had time for therapy and I knew from my studies that it would help me. It was a very small dose, just enough to take the edge off and not enough to keep me from crying my way through a year's worth of contacts in way less than a year's time.

The thing about living with anxiety and depression that is so hard, and can be debilitating even, is that you feel so alone. So hopeless. So isolated. And on top of all that, you can feel ashamed of feeling that way. You think the only way out of the pain is to stop it. People try stopping the pain in all kinds of ways.

I would never, ever tell anyone that the key to happiness is to take medication. That is a choice you have to make for yourself based on your own history and your own present situation. What I would do is to say what my friend said to me - "You don't have to live like this." You have options.

See, I have come to realize that while there is immense pain and suffering in this world - and while I am not immune to any of it - we are not here on Earth to suffer. We are here to enjoy our lives and to live them peacefully. I don't know what that means for everyone, but I know that it is true. I don't have any proof, you'll just have to trust me.

Sometimes I wish my medication would numb me to the pain I feel, and that's when I know that it is time to take it up a notch in other areas of my life. When I want to escape what I'm feeling, I have found that writing helps me to feel more grounded. Yoga reminds me to breathe and helps me to stay present. Meditation helps me to quiet my "monkey mind" - the what-ifs that can spin out of control if I don't stop them. Being outside soothes my soul. Taking walks and running (or trying to run...) helps me to clear my mind. Spending time with people I love helps me remember who I am - not a condition, but a soul doing its best to enjoy this human experience. When I can return to myself and what is most important to me, I can better handle whatever life throws my way. 

For me, art is a cure-all. Creating connects me to my core, the Creator, and all things created. I try to create something every single day. Sometimes it's just dinner (usually it's not dinner...). I have been keeping a Blessings journal for a while now and I love it because I can do just a little bit of creating very easily every day AND reflect on the things and people for which I am grateful. 

Yoga, art, and meditation are some of the tools I use to get to break away from the every day and get back to what matters most to me. 

We all have those tools - those things that can help us to slow down and re-focus on what matters. For a lot of people prayer will do the trick. No matter how much pain you are in, you must remember that life is not about the pain. Life is about JOY and you have the right to live in peace.

So, how do we get back there? What will it take to get you back to the peace? Here are a few steps you can try to take...

1. Breathe
2. Think of one thing that brings you peace
3. Take one step, make one stroke, write one word, recall one memory, or reach out to one friend at a time - whatever it is that will take you to peace
4. Keep breathing
5. Keep going
6. Get there

The only way through anything is to go through it. Seriously. Sit in it for as long as you need to. Feel what comes up for you. Yell, scream, cry, stomp your feet. Get as angry or as sad as you need to be. 

And then remember that you don't have to live there. You don't have to stay in the darkness. Let it - whatever it is - flow through you, then you too can go with the flow. You can move through whatever it is. It might take hours or days or even years. Choose one thing that brings you joy or peace and take one little step in that direction whenever you can. You will make your way out of it. And, know you're not alone. If you need help, reach out for it. It's okay to ask for help.

This world - one where true heroes sacrifice their lives to save others, where slowly we are raising our voices around issues like depression and suicide, where communities come together in times of despair to help one another, and where we recognize that we are all connected - this is the world I brought my now eleven year-old son into. It is a world filled with war and hate and hunger and pain and suffering, and it is a world filled with beauty and peace and joy. We have to learn to live with the good and the bad. It's not an either/or proposition. 

When you are suffering, you don't have to stay there. You don't have to live like that. You have options. My hope is that we all choose PEACE and JOY and do whatever it takes to get there.

With all kinds of love and big Anna hugs... xoxoxo