I've Had Enough...

I am in a bit of a pickle.

You see, for the last two years or so I have been engaged in a whole lot of soul work. Along the way I have come in contact with hundreds of women both in person and in online groups and classes, and the one thing that keeps coming up for all of us is the belief that we are lacking in some way, or in most cases, in a lot of ways.

It is almost like a rash we have been infected with - this belief that we are not enough.

It isn't all that complicated either. We are born - whole, precious, miraculous, pure, soft-skinned packages filled with goodness. Then, somewhere along the way, we begin to believe a tale that involves the numerous ways in which we are not enough. Each of our stories is different… Mine is "I am not smart enough. I am not experienced enough. I am not likable enough. I am not pretty enough. My hair is not long enough. I am not skinny enough…" It makes my stomach churn to share that with you. There were other variations that included all the ways I didn't have enough.

I remember what it felt like the first time someone said to me: "You are enough." I was shocked. I was afraid to respond because I knew anything I said would prove to her how wrong she really was. I even felt like a fraud unsure of how I could convince anyone that I was enough when clearly I was not. Now, I know I am enough even though I forget sometimes.

I know my story. I know how painful it was to see it all come together over the years. I remember the people who helped me write it - most likely without the intention of causing me harm. It was a long and lonely story. It has been a HUGE amount of work to rewrite it.

I also know so many other stories that are a lot like mine. I see the hurt in the eyes of these beautiful women as they tell their stories. Some of them believe that they are not enough. It breaks my heart that they cannot see the whole, precious, miraculous, pure, maybe not so soft-skinned but still better than ever being that I see when I look at them. I want them to know the story they are telling is based on lies. So much work goes into rewriting our stories… that is if we even have the heart to rewrite them. Some of us never will.

And now, I am watching in disbelief as my very own son's story begins to take shape. His spirit cannot be contained in a 2x2 place at a table full of other children. He likes to wiggle and squirm. He starts conversations when he is asked to be quiet.

My son's story already has a chapter detailing all the ways that he is not enough. The adults in his life have written it for him by telling him that he isn't okay as is - that he isn't good enough.

He is 8 years-old. He is at a crucial point in his development because this is when the stories start to really stick. This is where a seemingly small slight or joke made at his expense can make a huge impact. It can be devastating. It can change the course of his life.

So, what do I do? I can't control the storytellers. Even if I could - how long can that go on? Will it be enough for him to hear my husband and me whisper in his ear each night "you are enough" when all day long he hears otherwise?

This is my cry for help.

If you are an adult who has children or who works with children, please be mindful of the ways in which you communicate with them.

It may be true that my son makes it difficult for you to maintain a sense of control over the space you are in. It may be true that his tendency to get distracted is distracting to others. I would by lying if I said I wasn't experiencing the same child at home. Here's the thing though: my son's behavior is directly related to a need he has and cannot express. Could you maybe take a minute to check in with him before shaming him in front of his peers? I think you could.

Don't destroy a child's sense of self because what he or she is doing isn't convenient for you.

You can be honest and kind at the same time. I'm not suggesting you allow the children in your life to reenact Lord of the Flies when you're with them. I am suggesting you be careful about the ways you respond to children. In any response you have to a child's behavior, I estimate there is about a 99% chance that your response has nothing to do with the child and everything to do with you. Your response is a projection of you and your life experience - the way you were parented, the way you were taught, the stories you've come to believe about yourself. Your negative response comes from a place of discomfort with what the child is doing.

My friend Mariah Belt calls this place - where we respond from a need to control - the Dominant  Paradigm. The alternative is the Peaceful Paradigm (Mariah teaches the Peaceful Paradigm in her work as a Peaceful Parenting coach). Here, we come from a place of curiosity with the intention of connection. We might notice a disruptive behavior then head on over to a child like my son and say, "What's up little guy? Can you tell me more about that?" Rather than, "Stop it! You are being bad! Go sit on the bench…" It's a shift, but it can happen.

I love the Peaceful Paradigm. It feels right to me. I understand that it may not resonate with everyone. I also recognize that the words we use are powerful. So, after experiencing and witnessing the pain that results from a lifetime of being told that any of us are lacking in any way - that any of us could possibly not be enough - I beg of you, please stop the madness. Stop helping children to write these fictional stories about themselves. Be kind. Be mindful of the ways you speak to children, knowing that what you say, even if it was never intended to cause pain, can be devastating.

Thank you.

The Rest of the Story

My son Alexander turned 8 years-old today. I have told his birth story before. In short, my pregnancy was without incident. He came earth side fast, like he was on a mission. He was purple when he made his debut. He had severe meconium aspiration. My poor little buddy. 

He was rushed off to the NICU rather quickly after a very brief plop on my emptied belly. We hadn't even named him yet. We were leaning toward Henry. It all happened very fast. My husband Dan named Alexander in the NICU in a moment of knowing that our little guy needed name. Once Alexander was settled into the NICU I got to see him again. He seemed to be nestled in a forest of machinery. A nurse asked me if I wanted a priest to come and baptize him. His little life was in danger. It was awful. A few hours later Dan and I squished together like spoons in my hospital bed. Sobbing. 

Alexander was transferred to a different hospital as a candidate for ECMO - a heart and lung bypass procedure that might help his lungs to recover. My midwife discharged me several hours later so I could join him. Alexander was in a small plastic incubator when I saw him next. He was in a medically induced coma under a maze of tubes. We were instructed on the acceptable ways to touch him. On the top of his head and the bottom of his feet. I remember staring at his little body in utter disbelief. There were tubes everywhere. And needles. My heart was broken. 

In the end Alexander didn't need ECMO. Three days later he returned to the hospital where he was born. His new NICU bed was one with fewer contraptions and the first order of business, according to his new nurse, was to be held by his parents. We were elated. 10 days after Alexander's birth we welcomed him home.

Baby Alexander and his big brother James

What I haven't really talked about is what happened once we came home. Things must have looked pretty normal. We were a happy family - a young couple with a pre-school son and a newborn baby. Dan had missed a lot of work while Alexander was in the hospital. He had to jump right back into his job. I was at home with my two little guys. Life moved on. Two years later we welcomed a baby girl, Sophia, into our family. 

When I look back, I can't say I was unhappy. I loved my life. I'm not going to lie though, as anyone will tell you, it isn't easy being at home day after day with three small children. It is an emotionally and physically challenging undertaking - to grow people. No, I wasn't unhappy. I was numb.

I operated on auto pilot for another two years. I think I lived most of my life feeling more anxious than the average person. I didn't know I was "anxious" because that word wasn't even part of my vocabulary. I worried a lot, and mostly about things that would never happen. I felt things deeply as a child. I was told I was too sensitive, too nice, too quiet, too shy. I learned to adapt. I learned to hide my feelings. I learned to smile when people looked at me. It is amazing what one can hide behind a smile…

I felt incredibly lonely at times, usually in the midst of friends and family. When I felt uncomfortable - sad, angry, scared, and so on - I stuffed those feelings way down deep in my soul.

Next month it will be four years since I lost my dad. His death was a huge shock. It felt like everything I ever knew to be true came crumbling down around me. My dad's death was devastating, and what it stirred up inside me was painful too. Every little hurt I had ever buried, rose up and out of me. A miscarriage before Alexander was born, then Alexander's birth, and truly every bit of heartache that came before that. It all wanted to be healed.

My grief in the face of losing my dad gave me space to feel things I hadn't allowed myself to feel before. I couldn't stuff another hurt. I allowed myself to feel the pain of loss. It was really hard for me to feel AND to function in my daily life. I remembered a dear friend telling me about how she had started taking an anti-depressant. I'll never forget the way she looked at me as I told her some of my own stories about living with depression and anxiety (I had learned those words by that point). She said, "Anna, you don't have to live like that."

I come from a long line of Polish women. We are tough. We suck it up. When my dad died, I just couldn't suck it up anymore. I felt weak and tired and sad and I had no shame about any of it. I no longer felt the need to put on a happy face. I didn't care at all what anybody thought about any of it. I wasn't going to pretend that everything was okay. I marched right into my doctor's office and said, "I am sad and my husband can't sit here holding my hand anymore because he has to go to work. I have three little kids to take care of and my entire support system is grieving. I need help."

I started taking medication for my anxiety. At that point I didn't consider how it might impact me, I just wanted some relief. What I experienced was a newfound ability to be the me I always wanted to be - calm on the outside AND the inside. At last! My exterior reflected my interior. I wasn't faking it. I felt like a miracle was occurring within my very own body. 

I know I was very lucky and not all people have a positive experience like mine. I know that if they do have a positive outcome, it might come after a lot of trial and error. It can be a long, painful, confusing road. 

I am eternally grateful for my stroke of medicinal luck. Easing my anxiety about every little aspect of my life freed some space for me to dig deep into what needed to be healed with a therapist and in my own soul work. It may have even helped me to let go more and to reconnect with my creativity, which has been a very large part of my journey. Am I healed? I don't think it is that simple. For me, healing is a practice. Every day I try to do something that soothes my soul. I can't always get to it. The longer I go without it, the more likely I am to begin to feel anxious, and eventually depressed. 

So, no, I'm not suggesting that if you are feeling depressed, you should absolutely get medicated. Not at all. I share this story here because I believe that in this time of celebrities overdosing on drugs and non-celebrities overdosing too, I think it is more important than ever to understand two things about being human. 1) Things are not always as they appear; and 2) It is actually a sign of strength to ask for help. Asking for help is one of the strongest, bravest things a person can do.

Please ask for help if you need it. Ask for help even if you suspect you might need it.

I am off to get the birthday boy off the bus. One last thing before I go - the greatest gift I receive in allowing myself to really, truly feel my pain is the opportunity to also really, truly appreciate my joy. Celebrations are sweeter than ever before.

With so much love… xoxoxo

Make Your Own Sunshine: 20 Quick and Easy Ideas for Beating the Winter Blues

I have had the hardest time removing myself from my bed in the morning lately. I keep thinking that maybe I'm fighting something… The truth is that no matter what my body is fighting (I think it's a head cold?!) my whole self is fighting depression.

I'm an easy target for depression in the winter. It happens every year actually: I find it harder and harder to stay positive and get motivated as the winter drags on.

There are mounds of snow everywhere I look outside and icicles hanging from various points on our roof. The highs have been in the single digits. Today it is super sunny outside and I am loving every ray. Mostly though, the winter skies are gray in Michigan. It can be downright depressing.

Knowing that I'm susceptible to singing the winter blues, I'm trying extra hard to stay on the sunny side of life, as they say. It isn't easy. I haven't perfected it. And, I am completely committed to keeping it a consistent practice. Some days are easier than others, as is true for most everything in life. Also knowing that so many of my friends and family members are feeling the impact of this winter, I thought I'd share some of what's working well for me… I hope you find something here that works for you.

Before I get started though, I want to be clear that I am not taking the term depression lightly here. When it comes to depression, I have found that one of the challenges we face is discerning the difference between what we can control and what we can't. In a world where appearing to be "in control" is the way to be, it is sometimes hard to admit defeat… that we just can't control everything.

So, no, we can't control the weather or any of the outcomes we face along with frigid temperatures and piles of snow. Here at my house, my kids have had numerous days of school due to weather and that has really made an impact on the way we live our lives. None of that is in the realm of my control. How I react to it however - that is all me. None of us can change the weather; we can however, change our perception of the weather and what it means for us in our lives. Okay, here we go...

1. Make Art.

A scene from one of my art journals

It doesn't have to be complicated. I find that coloring in a coloring book with my daughter can be very relaxing (as long as I follow her directions!?!). I suggest working on something that isn't outcome focused - something that is about the process of making art rather than the work of itself.

Try coloring in a coloring book with crayons or markers, your own painting or a paint by number, Zentangle, doodling, sketching, modeling clay, anything that gets your hands moving and your head focusing on something other than the weather.

2. Let the Cold Shock You

Go outside with your regular clothes on - no bundling allowed. Stand in the cold for a minute (or less if there are frostbite warnings in your area), and allow yourself to really feel the cold. It's like an electric shock (only cold)! As you feel the shock of the cold on your skin, you get a new lease on life. It's like receiving CPR without the drama. I think there's something to it too because there are so many places that use variations between hot and cold to help heal. Try it!

3. Take a Photo Hike or Drive

Pretend you are a photo journalist on location - in the Arctic maybe. Use any old camera or your phone and snap pictures. Try taking photos of things you might ordinarily miss, like snow covered branches, tracks in the snow, or the winter sky. Take close-ups - try to catch the unique formation of an individual snowflake. It is incredible to look real close and see that each snowflake really is so intricately designed. If you can capture that on film, I would love to see it!

Wire scrolling on our balcony

A snow covered branch in my yard

4. Install a Bird Feeder Where You Can See It From Your House

This could open a whole word of bird watching...

This has been so much fun. Okay, I'm a bit of a nature geek… but I do think anyone would enjoy it. I installed this feeder right outside my bedroom window. Part two of this tip is to allow yourself to just sit and watch the birds. It is amazing! As you watch, think about how great it feels to provide some food to the birds. Watch them closely. Admire their feathers. Their colors. Their flight pattern to and from the feeder. The way they move around. Birds are fascinating creatures!

5. Play in the Snow

My family playing in the snow

No explanation needed. Make an angel. Go sledding. Let the flakes melt on your tongue. Drink something warm when you're back inside.

6. Hibernate

So you're stuck inside? Make the most of it. Cuddle with your people, your pets, yourself. Wrap yourself in a blankie. Build a fire. Sip something yummy. Read a good book. Start a new one that you've been wanting to read. Flip through a magazine. Play games. Allow yourself to be still in the quiet of winter. No judgment. No place else to go… Allow yourself to really truly rest. Enjoy it.

7. Nourish Yourself Wisely

My lovely sister arranged this. Cute, huh?

This is a year-round charge; however, when you're feeling down it can be harder than usual to muster up the energy to eat nutritious foods. Some of us crave comfort foods in the winter, and for some of us that means carbohydrates… Get creative.

Years ago, three of my neighbors and I started a Supper Club. For four nights of the week we took turns making meals for all four of our families. We made simple meals that were easy to make in larger quantities. It was a huge treat to enjoy a homemade meal with my family that I didn't have to make, and to cook only once in that four day stretch. Plus, making food for other people can be good for your soul, AND it ensured we communicated with each other on a regular basis so there wasn't space for feeling isolated.

I am also hearing more and more about different places that deliver nutritious meals or the ingredients for you to make the meals yourself. Ah-mazing!

8. Do Something Nice for Someone

Again, no explanation needed. Just do it. Reach out to someone you love or a complete stranger and do something that you know will make a positive difference in their life. Send a note, make a meal, clear their driveway, let them go ahead of you in the checkout lane… even flash a great, big happy smile. You never know what a huge impact a simple of act of kindness can make.

9. Reclaim Your Space

This can entail anything from painting an entire room in your house, to rearranging your furniture, to buying a new candle and lighting it when the sun goes down. If you're going to be stuck inside, make sure you are surrounded by things that make you feel good. A new knit throw, a couple cute pillows, a picture frame, a BOUQUET of FLOWERS!!! We respond to smells so find a candle that reminds you of summer, or burn your favorite incense, or use essential oils.

It's your space, take charge and brighten it right up. Own it. Suddenly, you are no longer "stuck" inside, you now have the privilege of being there in a space you love.

10. Re-live Your Summer Highlight Reel

There was a winter not long ago that lasted so forever and a day long that I actually thought it might never end. I honestly wondered "what if the sun never shines again…?" I had to remind myself that in all my life I had never witnessed a never-ending winter. That every year of my life the sun came out to shine on me again. Revisiting pictures from summers past helped. I even felt transported to the times when the sun was warming my skin, my kids and I swam in the lake, and the nights seemed to last into the next day. Ahhh…. those days, they are a coming… eventually.

11. Make a Mix Tape

A playlist. Here Comes the Sun might be a good place to start. Get lost in the music. Listen to your favorites and find some new songs to lift your soul. Music is transformative. Click play and let yourself sway. You can thank me later.

12. Bake

Sometimes a girl just needs a cookie. It's okay. Enjoy the process of baking and the joy of biting into something homemade (space and grace around #7… all things in moderation, right?).

13. Call on Your Tribe

Vent if you need to or simply check-in. Call a friend or loved one. Tell dumb jokes. Share favorite memories. Laugh hard. Repeat. Plan a date night and reconnect with your beloved. If you can, meet someone you love for coffee or breakfast. If school is closed, gather at home… let the kids run wild together and look into your bestie's eyes. Ask her what she is working on these days? What she dreams about at night? Keep each other warm with your company.

14. Plan a Tropical Vacation

Assuming we can't all just pick up and fly south, we can plan a vacation. Where will you stay? What will you do? Even if you have no intention or ability to take this vacation, plan it. Make a collage even. Surprise yourself. Go wild. Dream big. Think SUNSHINE on your face by day and a huge star filled sky over your head at night. Campfires? Hikes? Swim up bar? Whatever suits your fancy…

15. Move

Not to Florida, move your body. Breathe, stretch, practice yoga, play Twister, wrestle, dance, do Zumba, get intimate with your lover (or yourself). Just. Move. And. Groove. Your. Body.

16. See Through the Eyes of a Child

Last night when I told my son school was cancelled for today due to sub zero temperatures (it's a Frozen Day he told me), he cheered like his team just won the Super Bowl. Children have very little attachment to the ramifications of inclement weather. They aren't worried about freezing pipes, shoveling the driveway, driving on slippery roads, or rearranging their schedules. Allow yourself to experience your life through the eyes of a child. Imagine you are seeing snow for the very first time. What would that be like? What if today was the first day you woke up? Tasted coffee? Enjoyed a bowl of oatmeal? Imagine. Be curious about what you see. Observe. Enjoy the experience of trying something you've never tried before. Even if it something you actually do every day…

17. Celebrate the Sunshine

Let the sun shine in...

When the sun does come out to light up the sky and everything below it, RELISH IT! Do a dance. Wear your sunglasses. If you can, feel the warmth of the sun on your skin. Stare out the window. Watch the way the snow sparkles when the sun hits it (truly divine!). Take a walk. Take more pictures. Watch the shadows dance. Thank God and the Heavens for the SUN and everything it does for us. Promise to never again take its light for granted. Soak it all in. Act like you're never going to see it again (it might be a while…).

18. Do an Outdoor Activity Indoors

Last weekend I played catch with two little ones in my father-in-law's garage. We have used the garage for field hockey too. If you can ride a bike in your basement, that is always fun. Play hopscotch. Blow bubbles. Find a place with an indoor pool and swim. If all else fails, take a bath. Fill it with salts, essential oils, bubbles, or take it straight up. Water has magical healing powers. Even in the winter. Especially in the winter.

19. Be Gentle with Yourself

A little latte love

Yesterday I was rushing to get a whole bunch of stuff together for a meeting, and then rushing to bundle myself up to face the cold. As I got into the car, my purse got caught on my scarf. My coat is so big and puffy that I could barely reach behind myself to untangle my purse. I wanted to cry. I wanted to rip off all the layers and go back inside and crawl into my bed. It takes a lot of extra energy to do business as usual in the winter. Allow yourself to take more time. Allow yourself to move slowly if you need to. Give yourself a lot of space to figure out what will work best for you in light of whatever comes up this winter. Whatever you do, do it gently.

20. Be Gentle with Everyone Else

Remember: whatever it is that you are feeling, the chances are very good that everyone around you is feeling the same (or worse). Let's give each other some grace to show up in whatever way we need to in order to make it through this unusually harsh winter. We are all cold. Some of us are bitter. Some of us feel like we can't take another flake of snow. Some of us ski and hope it will last forever. Wherever you are on the spectrum, know you are not alone, and that there are all kinds of other points on the spectrum too. Let's be good to each other.

Please feel free to share your ideas here too!
xoxoxo

My Word of the Year for 2014

I wear "release" close to my heart.
(pendant made by the fabulous Liz Lamoreux)

So it seems that for some people making New Year's Resolutions is a thing of the past. Instead, many of us are opting for a "word of the year." I am not sure how it started, to be completely honest, and I cannot even remember when I began this practice. What I do know is that I have a history of making resolutions and not keeping them. I believe that is due in large part my choosing resolutions that I wasn't really ready to make or capable of following through with anyway. When I heard about the word concept - to set an intention for the year with a word that represents something you would like to manifest, I thought "That is something I can do! I love words!" So, I signed right up.

In 2012 my word was trust. Trust became my mantra. I repeated it constantly as a reminder that it is okay to trust… to simply trust that everything was as it should be, to trust in the process, to trust in myself and the people around me. Trusting became a sacred practice for me and it is one that I continue to use in my life.

Last year my word was intention. It was was a bust. I chose intention with a plan in mind - I wanted to be very deliberate about the choices I made each day. I wanted to make these choices with intention. My approach was much like the one I took in fifth grade when my mom told me about learning through osmosis… right before a science test. Instead of studying I slept with my science book under my pillow, believing (hoping?) that everything I needed to know for my test would somehow make its way from the pages of my science book to my brain. It didn't quite work that way for me. To go from flying by the seat of one's pants (hypothetically speaking) to living with intention takes more than osmosis. I was more deliberate about many of the decisions I made last year, but not as deliberate as I would have liked.

This year my word is release! I like to write it with the exclamation point at the end. It feels like a dance that way - one where I throw my head back and my arms in the air.

Release!

To me, release is about actively choosing to let go of anything holding me back or weighing me down - unwanted weight, bad habits, old stories, lies I've believed about myself or others…I want to let it all go so I can move forward with my big dreams.

One of my big dreams is to be completely present for my children when we are together. With all that they face in their lives, I think they need me. A lot. I'm easily distracted and wanting to do a million things at once so they rarely get my undivided attention. Plus, there are three of them so that makes it even harder for each of them to get what they need. And then there is my iPhone… Sometimes, when things get loud and crazy, I shut down a little. This is part of an old story, or an old way of coping with the challenges I face. I want to let that go - that shutting down thing. The escaping thing. It's not so simple though. Releasing that lifelong habit is going to take some work. My kids and I are worth the work. I'm going for it, and I'll be sure to let you know how that goes.

On Saturday, January 25 from 12:30-3:00, I will be guiding some beautiful souls through a word of the year selection meditation. Once we've chosen our words, each of us will make a beautiful piece of art to celebrate our words! I'm really excited. I think it's going to be fun and meaningful too. If you are within driving distance to Brighton, join us! You can register by calling the Yoga Center for Healthy Living at 810.225.1288.

Wishing you all the best with whatever it is you are working on this year. Be gentle with your sweet self along the way… xoxo

On Dreams and Making them Come True

My husband Dan and I are die hard Spartans, as in Michigan State University Spartans. We met at MSU when we were sophomores and fell in love there so I tend to think it is where our family started. MSU means a lot to us. 

About 12 years ago we began attending MSU football games with some of our friends. Together we have literally weathered pounding sun, pouring rain, and sideways falling sleet to cheer on our team. We have sat shivering in Spartan Stadium filled with dismay as we watched MSU lose in the final seconds of a "big" game and endured the frustration of hearing the opposing team's fans drown our stadium with their cheers. We might have been bitter once or twice along the way... So, when MSU won the 2013 B1G Championship game against Ohio State to secure a spot in the Rose Bowl, we were over the moon with excitement. It felt like our time!

All that said, the football is secondary to my love for seeing my hard working husband let loose at the games and have a riot with his friends. My zest for the win pales in comparison to my enjoyment of spending that game time together as a couple with our friends, and now that our kids are getting older as a family. 

Unlike a lot of kids in America, I didn't grow up with an attachment to a sports team. None whatsoever. I don't remember my parents ever watching sports until Dan came into our family. Making the decision to follow the team to Pasadena, California for the Rose Bowl game came easy for Dan. When the question arose of whether we would also attend the Rose Parade, I couldn't believe it was even in question. Of course we would attend the parade! How could we not attend the parade? We may have watched not a single second of college football in my home as a child, but we watched all the parades. We LOVED parades! 

I can remember sitting in front of our small television completely in awe of the floats, the flowers, the beautiful people, the sparkling trombones, and all of it. I don't really have a bucket list, but I think if I did attending the Rose Parade would definitely be on it. Along with attending the game with a group of some of our favorite Spartans, attending the parade seemed like a once in a lifetime opportunity.

As I sat, filled with excitement, remembering my awe as a child and feeling it multiply there as an adult face to face with all of it, I was surprised by what I saw there...

The first float - all flowers! Unbelievable.

I will admit there was a part of me wondering about the purpose of it all. It seemed way over the top and even wasteful to put on such a spectacle. It was so beautiful though and this was the 125th Rose Parade. The parade is an American pastime and the magnitude of this one in particular was not lost on me. I let go of doubt and tried to soak it all in. I even took a few deep breaths to smell the roses...

This year's theme was DREAMS COME TRUE so many of the floats followed this theme with little sub-plots of their own...

I absolutely LOVED this one... WE CAN DO IT! Complete with Rosie the Riveter!?!

The floats seemed to be telling a story. A story of hope. Perhaps the hope that inspires a dream?

BRIDGING CHILDREN'S DREAMS...

I thought "Yes!" That is my job and all of our jobs - to bridge our children's dreams.

And to GROW SOMETHING GREATER...

The back of GROW SOMETHING GREATER
I was in love with the butterflies!

Even the sky had a message: CHOOSE GOOD.

CONNECTING CULTURES - DELIVERING DREAMS...

Yes again! Connection is the key to making our dreams come true. Connecting to each other despite our differences. Connecting to our own inner guide, following our very own inner compass, and using our own unique True North as our guide.

DREAMS COME TRUE WITH MUSIC...

All the drums wore this cover. With each boom we were reminded of the limitless potential of music - to inspire, to heal, to help, to cheer, to celebrate, and even to help make our dreams come true.

How do dreams come true? With FRIENDSHIP, LOVE, AND TRUTH...

So, why not?  LET'S BE NEIGHBORS... Let's do this together, shall we?

Let's LIGHT UP THE WORLD...

Isn't that scary though? To light up the world? To pursue a dream? To follow your heart? A little, but you know what?

LOVE IS THE BEST PROTECTION from our fears.

It may even sound trite at this point, but I know it is true that love wins, love trumps, all, and when in doubt or darkness, it is LOVE TO THE RESCUE...

The crazy thing is, you really don't need to look too far for support in the pursuit of your dreams. Nope, the Universe is PROTECTING YOUR DREAM RIGHT IN YOUR OWN BACKYARD...

(It's true).

RELISH YOUR DREAMS... Hold them tightly. Keep them close to your heart. Don't. Let. Go.

Get it? RELISH, like a relish tray! Clever Trader Joe's

You know what else? If you really want your dreams to come true, be grateful for what you have already called into your big, beautiful life. Be grateful for all of it. And, THANK A MILLION TEACHERS...

I am forever grateful for my beautiful book bearing, pen holding, paper yielding band of teachers. They fill their paintbrush artillery with Mod Podge and acrylics and use blank canvases as shields. They wear gauzy clothing and flowers in their hair. They are dripping with rings and beads and cuffs and medicine pouches. They speak straight to my heart, inspire me, encourage me, and help me to see that my dreams do come true because as they teach they are also TURNING HOPE AND DREAMS INTO REALITY for themselves, their families, and for you - for all of us.  

So, there you have it. DREAMS COME TRUE.

I never expected that when I woke at 5:00 a.m. to make my way to the Rose Parade. A call to dream. It makes sense though - that among some of God's most gorgeous creations, the bold, beautiful, delicious blooming roses, I would be inspired to share with you what I found there on a highway in Pasadena... That dreams DO come true. 

Dreams are so frequently likened to flowers... you start with a seed, you plant it, you water it, you give it light, you watch as it grows from a bud to a blossom. It's no wonder the roses whispered to me: dream. It's no wonder that together the roses said: EVERYONE, please. Dream. From your backyard to across the country, and all the way to the moon...just dream.

Me and the man of my dreams.

Happy New Year! xoxoxo

A Letter from Santa

Dear Sweet Sister, Mama, Wife, Daughter, Grandma, Auntie, Woman, Friend,

It was never true that I only watch the children.

I see you.

I see you working so hard.

I know you are staying up late to squeeze in as much as possible when the house finally falls silent after a long day.

I know you wake at night wondering how you will possibly accomplish all that the next day holds for you. I see you shaking your head at the tasks that got away. I see you wishing you could get back to sleep. I see you checking the time at 3:00 a.m. And again at 4:00 a.m. Then, I see you drift off to sleep in just enough time to wake again at the sound of your alarm.

I see your exasperation.

I see you use every last bit of your energy to get your children off to school, to walk the dog, feed the cats, and then pull from the reserves of I don't know where to get yourself out the door. I don't know how you do it.

I see you grocery shopping, gift shopping, meal planning, meal making, cookie baking, and house keeping. I see you pushing start on the dryer for the third time on the same load of clothes.

I see you volunteering your time to help others. I see you scrape a handful of change from the bottom of your purse so you won't arrive at the Salvation Army collection tin empty handed.

I see you wrapping gifts and sending cards. I see you wishing you had the resources to do these things when you cannot. I know you are working harder than ever before, trying to get everything done. I know you are making lists. I know you check them more than twice.

Homework with your children, homework for yourself, activities, dinner, and baths... I know bedtime is trying at your house. It all seems so impossible, and yet you do it.

I know you aren't sure what gifts to give your children's teachers this year. You wonder every year. I see you worrying, wondering how to make everyone else happy, and hoping you got it all right.

I see you planning... for work, school, church, village, town, city, state, and planet. From meals to parties. Trying not to exclude anyone. Trying to make sure everyone else's needs are met. Wondering what to wear. Hoping it will fit. Wondering how to squeeze in a trip to the mall in case it doesn't. Wondering if you can even afford that trip...

I see you rocking your baby to sleep in the middle of the night. Your eyes barely open. Wondering when you will sleep again... and yet, at the very same time, trying so hard to cherish this precious quiet you share with the tiny bundle in your arms. You know it will all be over in the blink of an eye.

I see you stumble to your child's bedside when she wakes and calls out for you. She is frightened, cold, thirsty... simply wanting to be near you. You want to hold her and make all her troubles disappear, and you want to go back to bed. You want your own space. All at once.

I see you do all of it - day after day.

I see you grieving the loss of a loved one. I know you are wondering what it will be like without him, or her. You know it won't be the same. It will never be the same.

I see you grieving the loss of a loved one's beloved. Her precious child. Her husband. I see your tears. Your heart feels her pain. I know your fears. I know you wonder what the future holds.

I see you putting off your next physical. And making trips to visit a loved one at the hospital. I see you receiving bad news on the phone, by e-mail, text, and on Facebook. I know you wonder whether it will ever end. I know your heart breaks a little with each blow.

I know that sometimes you feel so alone.

I see you caring for your sick child. And your aging parents. And your own beloved. I know you are "staying strong" and "holding it altogether" all the while feeling like you are falling apart. Bit by bit.

I know that sometimes you feel trapped.

I know that you aren't exchanging gifts with your partner this year... so you can give more to your children. Or your parents. Your siblings. Nieces and nephews. Friends. The community. Your favorite charity. You have everything you could possibly need. Right?

I see you struggling. I don't remember the last time you splurged on yourself. Without guilt.

I know you worry about the cost of everything. I know that sometimes you must make choices. Do you pay this bill or that one? What will that leave for groceries? I see you making it all work even when the odds are not in your favor.

I wonder how you do it all and I wonder how you keep going? You never cease to amaze me with your tireless effort. On top of it all, you are simply radiant. You keep smiling. I know you are grateful for all of it - all that depletes you.

I see you Dear One.

And, I wonder what you really want? In your wildest dreams. Do you know? Have you thought about it? Do you have the space or time to listen to the whispers of your heart and soul?

Dear Sweet Body of Love, I know that no matter how hard you are working, you will never accomplish all that you've set out to do if you keep trying to run on empty.

Sweet Woman, you. Must. Fill. Yourself. Up.

You can be your own Santa Claus. Gift yourself. Make your own magic. Just for you.

Please.

Please make sure to include yourself on your list this year. You'll be amazed at what you can do when you take care of yourself. First.

Love,
Santa

p.s. if you think a Springtime art and heart retreat on the shores of Lake Michigan might fill you up, consider the Heart Connected Retreat: In Honor of the Journey May 1-4, 2014. Anna and her co-conspirators take pure delight in making magic for you. After all, we all need a little help sometimes.

Out of the Darkness and Into the Light

I took this picture right after Heather collected our first donation.
It was a beautiful moment.

 This is my friend Heather. We met in second grade. She has been a force of grace, comfort, stability, and love in my life ever since. Several years ago she invited me to her house for a Silpada jewelry party. She said the proceeds of her sales were going to The A21 Campaign, an organization she had heard about at her church. She told me that the campaign's mission was to help stop human trafficking. You know, human trafficking? It is one of those problems that belongs to OTHER people.

Since I love sparkly things and I love Heather, and it sounded like a good cause, I attended her party. I bought jewelry. She donated the proceeds of the party. She called us abolitionists.

Not long after that I happened to turn on the TV in the middle of a show about human trafficking. The survivor telling her story looked like any other woman I saw every day in the carpool lane at my child's school. Hmmm...

About a year ago, another woman I love and admire started talking about her work with the Full Circle Exchange. She is co-founder of the Brave Girls Club and someone I feel blessed to call my friend, Melody Ross. I took note. It didn’t seem like a coincidence that human trafficking kept showing up in front of me. I was being asked to do something about it. 

Melody wrote about partnering up with the Full Circle Exchange for a Truth Card Project on her blog. Recipients of the truth cards would be victims of human trafficking. I made truth cards and I sent them to the Brave Girls. Melody went to Manila, Philippines to work with a special group of victims of human trafficking and took the truth cards with her. She handed them out to the girls she worked with and girls on the street. They are girls. Very young girls. She wrote about it here. I saw Melody in March and she shared some of her story - some of what she witnessed in Manila.

As I allowed myself to be broken open by the stories of these girls and the people who perpetuate their pain and suffering, I began to see myself in their stories...

Last Thursday I moved a little further beyond making donations and truth cards. Heather and I had a benefit for the Manasseh Project in west Michigan. The Manasseh Project works to end sexual exploitation of young men and women in Michigan. Heather has envisioned us doing something like this for a while now and we finally pulled it off. We invited some of our friends (local artists and business women) to sell their goods and donate some of their proceeds to Manasseh. We pulled it together pretty quickly. It was a beautiful event - from the planning where we recruited our friend Sherry to help us - to the end of the night when Sherry's daughter handed me a box of money she had collected. She and her brother made bracelets on their Rainbow Loom and sold them at the benefit. 

Sherry and her daughter Amelia

We made truth cards for the girls at Manasseh. They need to know they have support, but they need bras and underwear the most. It's cold in Michigan in the winter. They will need coats too.

This is Alexa and the beautiful truth card she made - it gives me chills

just thinking about how excited she was when she made it,

and the love that will come through to the girl who receives it.

There were rooms full of women. There were friends with friends, sisters with sisters, and moms with daughters. There were moms with sons too. And a couple wives with husbands.

Pam and Jordan, inspiring mother and daughter, shopping

Missy and Shelli, two sweet sister

I felt a strong sense of community, even though not everyone knew each other. It felt like we were part of something bigger than ourselves, perhaps bigger than we could even imagine. A movement maybe...

I am so grateful for everyone who participated by making beautiful things, selling beautiful things, donating beautiful things, and shopping. Even the people who couldn’t make it sent sweet notes and I could feel them all with us in spirit. People are kind. People want to take care of each other. All we really want is to love and be loved. It is very simple. My heart feels so full when I think about the beauty that shone through the night.

On Friday, the morning after the benefit, it occurred to me that it takes a certain kind of bravery to show up for an event like ours. Human trafficking isn't something anyone wants to think about. It scares people. The whole operation is absolutely inconceivable. Many of us would prefer to believe that this is not our issue or our problem to solve, but theirs. Not a lot of people want to talk about it and so it takes courage to step out into the light and do anything to take a stand against it.

Friday morning Heather posted on our event page on Facebook. She said, "...Sometimes it is tough to be really honest about what human trafficking looks like. It has so often been relegated to 'those type of people'. Prostitutes or strip club girls - whatever. But the reality is much darker than that. And does not cover the whole issue anyhow. No little girl grows up dreaming of having her body used so that someone else can make money. No little girl wakes up one day and hopes that she will be forced to have sex with men or boys she does not know. No woman comes to the US looking to make money for their family back home and hoping that to do it she will have to dance naked and service multiple men in one night. It does not matter what circumstance a girl comes out of - this just was never planted in her heart. Plain and simple. And once a girl is trapped in that - someone must save her. Period. I think that is what we are doing. We, as a group of women who have hearts for those without voices. We, as a community that knows the least among us can be the greatest. We, as a bunch of sisters really - who deep down realize that a human being is the greatest thing we can invest in.”

It is hardly ever easy to face the truth. While I worry about what other people think when they hear about human trafficking - about what they think of the victims and whether or not they believe this is an issue that impacts them - I worry most about what the girls think about themselves. I worry that they blame themselves. I worry that they hate themselves. I worry that they will never forgive themselves. I worry that they will always believe the lies they are told - the lies that might forever keep them enslaved even if they are fortunate enough to be in the ONE PERCENT of victims freed from slavery. 

I worry because in some small way I can see myself in these girls. I was raped the summer after I graduated from high school. It took years for me to even be able to call it what it was. It took many more years to let go of the shame I carried with me since the night it happened. We're talking 20 years. 

For 20 years I believed the lies I had heard about the kinds of girls who get raped. I blamed myself for what happened to me and I was so ashamed of myself for allowing it to happen. 

It took years of opening to little bits of truth I learned as a volunteer for a shelter for victims of domestic violence - in receiving my own training and in training others, it took hearing other women's stories, and slowly sharing mine in tiny pieces and sometimes even in code, it took blurting it out, and holding it in. It took my dad dying and me realizing that life is too short to live under a cloak of shame. It took therapy and life coaching and finally it took me saying to myself: "That was a bad thing that happened to you, Anna. You didn't deserve it. It wasn't your fault." It took repeating that statement. Again and again. And then, finally it took me believing it - that a bad thing happened to me and it wasn't my fault. That I didn't deserve it.

In just about every single circle of women I find myself in, at some point, one of us shares that she was abused, molested, raped... Sometimes it is a secret she has been holding for years. Sometimes even though it has been years since it happened, she hasn't even begun to heal. Sometimes it is a story she shares because she knows there is someone out there struggling with the awful feelings she felt and she wants that person to know that they are not alone.

Not discussing things doesn't stop them from happening. 

In fact, sharing our difficult stories – bringing them out of the darkness and into the light – disempowers the stories and liberates us and makes space for us to help others do the same.

The truth is not that complicated. No matter what you want to believe about victims of human trafficking, or even rape or abuse or molestation - what is happening to the victims of these nightmares is not their fault. No matter how badly you don't want to hear about human trafficking or talk about it or deal with it, it is STILL HAPPENING. 

It happens everywhere. All over the United States. There are sex slaves in the United States of America -- the land of the FREE and the brave. It happens all over the world. 

The victims are just like us - just like our children, our nieces and nephews, and our neighbors. They are not OTHER PEOPLE. They are us. They are you and me. They are our sisters and brothers. 

They need us. They need to know they are not alone. They need their sisters and brothers to show up for them, to speak up for them, to stand up for them, and eventually, to free them.

Join us in taking a stand against this horror. Heather and I are continuing our fundraising efforts for the next few days. You can donate to the Manasseh Project online using this link: Home for the Holidays. 

Thank you.