Give-Away for Soul Comfort! WOOHooooooo!

Jewel sings a song called Life Uncommon. The Brave Girls Club introduced me to it. It is a beautiful song. When I hear it, my heart stills. Maybe you could listen to it, if you've never heard it. Get it started and come back to me.

I don't want to spoil anything for you, in case you ever attend Brave Girl Camp (and I reallllllly hope you will), and honestly even if I told you every single detail of every bitty morsel of my camp experience, it would still blow you away (I attended in July of 2012). I must tell you this though... to sit in a circle of women whose paths, while so very different, intersected at Brave River Ranch in Idaho - women who started as complete strangers, but who over the course of minutes together became lifelong friends, and listen to Brave Girls Club co-founder Kathy Wilkins sing Life Uncommon as she plays the guitar... it is like living in heaven on earth. Kathy has the voice of an angel. It is an experience I will never forget.

Jewel sings "...We are tired, we are weary, but we aren't worn out...lend your voices only to sounds of freedom. No longer lend your strength to that which you wish to be free from. Fill your lives with love and bravery and we shall lead a life uncommon."

That is what Brave Girls Club is all about - filling our lives with love and bravery and giving us tools to lead magical, melodious, harmonious lives. When I think about Brave Girls Club and the ways in which their offerings have enriched my life, the shifts I have experienced since my first Brave Girl online class at the start of 2012 seem far from common. I had no idea that online classes that I could take from the comfort of my own home whenever it was convenient for me even existed and now, roughly a year and a half later, I am in the very beginning stages of figuring out how to offer an online class of my own.

What if something has simple and fun as an online class could change your life?

Somewhere I read or heard Brave Girls Club co-founder and Kathy's sister Melody Ross say that she believes in sharing things that can help people. I'm not gonna lie. I adore Melody. She inspires me. She is kind and compassionate, creative and incredibly talented, and she and Kathy and every sweet soul affiliated with Brave Girls Club embody LOVE. And, they are so real. Their love is soooo real.

So anyway, the whole sharing thing is what inspired me to jump on this blog-fest train. I also believe that goodness is meant to be shared. Anyone who has spent any amount of time with me (even seconds. Even complete strangers. Seriously.) is likely to have heard me say, "Have you heard of Brave Girls Club?" I am a passionate sharer of all things Brave Girls Club.

Of course I want to share an opportunity TO WIN A SPOT IN THEIR NEW ONLINE CLASS: SOUL COMFORT! You can read all about it here.

In short, this is an invitation to...

To the tired, the exhausted, the overstretched…

Life can be simple.

What if we celebrated the brave act of….taking a break?

What if simplicity, comfort, and quiet were the goal?

What if there really was a way to quiet the chatter in our minds and let us
recharge our body & soul?

And what if it was fun, too?

Introducing a new eCourse . . .

Soul Comfort 

Really? Yes, really. Whatever Brave Girls Club offers, they deliver that, and always so much more. 

You can count on this class to be . . .

• enlightening, enjoyable, fun, & simple
• customizable with many choices to fit your exact style
• interactive, encouraging, and supportive with a private community on Facebook 
• and weekly live chats
• a beautiful experience that will help you relax, simplify, and enjoy your life 
• a place to learn simple new ways to journal, 
• plus the  ”Brave Girl” way to use stitching and such 
• to create both beautiful things you’ll love AND peaceful relaxing moments
• a place to learn exactly what nourishes YOUR body and soul
• how to fit comforting rituals into your day
• something that you can finish without feeling overwhelmed
• produced with the level of caring and attention to detail that Brave Girls Club is known for

I have a really good feeling about this because I recently assembled my own little toolbox that I use to make pages in my Blessings Journal each day (most days...). I have certainly seen the benefits of taking a little time to create something each day. I feel grounded, more centered, and whole. And since my focus is on gratitude, I feel grateful - grateFULL if you will.

a page from my Blessings Journal

I was so excited when I saw that this class was being offered. When I signed up I requested access to the Facebook group for students and the love and support being shared there is already so heartwarming. Class hasn't even started!

Sooooo...

Why do you think women have such a hard time taking care of themselves in the ways they so lovingly care for others?

Post your answer in the Comments box at the bottom of this page to enter my drawing for a spot in Soul Comfort. It's that simple! I will randomly draw a name on Saturday, September 21. I will pass along the winner's name to Brave Girls Club and YOU will be ready for some soul comfort like you never imagined. I can't wait to see you in class! xoxo

p.s. click here to see a list of other blogs participating in this give-away - you can enter all of them!

9/11, Depression, and the Meaning of Life

Many people are remembering 9/11 today. It's hard not to remember. So many of us can recall exactly what we were doing when we first heard the devastating news - for me it was that a plane crashed into a building in New York City. I remember a group of students gathered around a TV screen in one of the Social Work buildings. It was one of our first day of classes. I wasn't sure what they were watching, but I cruised right by already late to class.

We moved our desks into a circle. There were a few people frantically pushing numbers on their cell phones. The instructor had the affect of someone trying to maintain calm. It turned out that several of my classmates' families were in New York and my classmates were trying to reach them. As the beginnings of the story of 9/11 unfolded, we exchanged looks of shock. Our professor asked that we stay for the full 2.5 hours of class. We thought she was crazy.

I remember going home and watching the news all day long. I remember going to bed terrified. I couldn't snuggle in close enough to my husband and I finally fell asleep wondering what kind of world I was bringing my firstborn into as I thought about him sprouting from a little seed inside my belly. Earlier in the day I had wondered if our new insurance plan would cover my pregnancy - we had just moved to Michigan from Arlington, Virginia. That seemed like a non-issue at bedtime. I couldn't stop thinking about how I had driven past the Pentagon every day on my way to work when we lived in Arlington. I couldn't begin to make sense of what had happened in our country - the land of the free and home of the brave - that day. Nobody could.

It is National Suicide Prevention Week. I saw a post on Facebook yesterday about a group call To Write Love On Her Arms. According to their mission statement, this is a  "movement is dedicated to presenting hope and finding help for people struggling with depression, addiction, self-injury, and suicide..."

Yesterday's call was to write the word "LOVE" on your arm to help raise awareness. So I did that, knowing that finding hope and help for these issues specifically is a cause that I hold close to my heart.

When I woke this morning to stories of 9/11 and LOVE on my arm, I began to think about graduate school and how I had diagnosed myself with almost every mood disorder I learned about in class. It was actually quite liberating to learn that there was an entire vocabulary for the feelings I had struggled with my entire life.

In a different Facebook post yesterday, someone I know shared a picture of LOVE on her arm. She included a note to her dad - I gathered he had committed suicide. I thought about my dad's sudden death about 3.5 years ago. He didn't commit suicide, but before we knew the cause of his death, the possibility that he did commit suicide wasn't out of the question. With drugs and alcohol, he certainly found other less severe ways to escape the pain he felt in his life.

After his death, I pretty much fell apart. With three little people to care for and my husband back at work, I knew I needed help. I decided to take anti-anxiety medication. While my grief intensified my anxiety and symptoms of depression, it is true that living with anxiety was something I had been doing my whole life. I didn't have words for the constant feeling that something could go wrong at any second until I learned more about anxiety and depression in graduate school. I thought I was "too sensitive" while the truth was I felt things really deeply. Maybe more deeply than other people. When the pain was too much bear, I looked for ways to hide it or dull it. 

When I finally decided to take medication for my anxiety it was in part because I remembered a friend saying to me "Anna, you don't have to live this way" referring to my constant state of anxiety. I never wanted to take medication, but at that point - after my dad died - I didn't think I had time for therapy and I knew from my studies that it would help me. It was a very small dose, just enough to take the edge off and not enough to keep me from crying my way through a year's worth of contacts in way less than a year's time.

The thing about living with anxiety and depression that is so hard, and can be debilitating even, is that you feel so alone. So hopeless. So isolated. And on top of all that, you can feel ashamed of feeling that way. You think the only way out of the pain is to stop it. People try stopping the pain in all kinds of ways.

I would never, ever tell anyone that the key to happiness is to take medication. That is a choice you have to make for yourself based on your own history and your own present situation. What I would do is to say what my friend said to me - "You don't have to live like this." You have options.

See, I have come to realize that while there is immense pain and suffering in this world - and while I am not immune to any of it - we are not here on Earth to suffer. We are here to enjoy our lives and to live them peacefully. I don't know what that means for everyone, but I know that it is true. I don't have any proof, you'll just have to trust me.

Sometimes I wish my medication would numb me to the pain I feel, and that's when I know that it is time to take it up a notch in other areas of my life. When I want to escape what I'm feeling, I have found that writing helps me to feel more grounded. Yoga reminds me to breathe and helps me to stay present. Meditation helps me to quiet my "monkey mind" - the what-ifs that can spin out of control if I don't stop them. Being outside soothes my soul. Taking walks and running (or trying to run...) helps me to clear my mind. Spending time with people I love helps me remember who I am - not a condition, but a soul doing its best to enjoy this human experience. When I can return to myself and what is most important to me, I can better handle whatever life throws my way. 

For me, art is a cure-all. Creating connects me to my core, the Creator, and all things created. I try to create something every single day. Sometimes it's just dinner (usually it's not dinner...). I have been keeping a Blessings journal for a while now and I love it because I can do just a little bit of creating very easily every day AND reflect on the things and people for which I am grateful. 

Yoga, art, and meditation are some of the tools I use to get to break away from the every day and get back to what matters most to me. 

We all have those tools - those things that can help us to slow down and re-focus on what matters. For a lot of people prayer will do the trick. No matter how much pain you are in, you must remember that life is not about the pain. Life is about JOY and you have the right to live in peace.

So, how do we get back there? What will it take to get you back to the peace? Here are a few steps you can try to take...

1. Breathe
2. Think of one thing that brings you peace
3. Take one step, make one stroke, write one word, recall one memory, or reach out to one friend at a time - whatever it is that will take you to peace
4. Keep breathing
5. Keep going
6. Get there

The only way through anything is to go through it. Seriously. Sit in it for as long as you need to. Feel what comes up for you. Yell, scream, cry, stomp your feet. Get as angry or as sad as you need to be. 

And then remember that you don't have to live there. You don't have to stay in the darkness. Let it - whatever it is - flow through you, then you too can go with the flow. You can move through whatever it is. It might take hours or days or even years. Choose one thing that brings you joy or peace and take one little step in that direction whenever you can. You will make your way out of it. And, know you're not alone. If you need help, reach out for it. It's okay to ask for help.

This world - one where true heroes sacrifice their lives to save others, where slowly we are raising our voices around issues like depression and suicide, where communities come together in times of despair to help one another, and where we recognize that we are all connected - this is the world I brought my now eleven year-old son into. It is a world filled with war and hate and hunger and pain and suffering, and it is a world filled with beauty and peace and joy. We have to learn to live with the good and the bad. It's not an either/or proposition. 

When you are suffering, you don't have to stay there. You don't have to live like that. You have options. My hope is that we all choose PEACE and JOY and do whatever it takes to get there.

With all kinds of love and big Anna hugs... xoxoxo

Why Retreat?

As I dream about and make preparations for my upcoming Heart Connected retreat, In Honor of the Journey, I am thinking a lot about what it means to "retreat." 

For absolute certainty, I googled the definition. Merriam-Webster.com says the following:

re·treat

 noun \ri-ˈtrēt\

1

a (1) : an act or process of withdrawing especially from what is difficult, dangerous, or disagreeable(2) : the process of receding from a position or state attained <the retreat of a glacier>

b (1) : the usually forced withdrawal of troops from an enemy or from an advanced position (2) : a signal forretreating

c (1) : a signal given by bugle at the beginning of a military flag-lowering ceremony (2) : a military flag-lowering ceremony

2

: a place of privacy or safety : refuge

3

: a period of group withdrawal for prayer, meditation, study, or instruction under a director

Mmm... how lovely - a place of privacy or safety, a refuge, and a period of group withdrawal... those words make way for the most peaceful images in my mind. I can picture myself on the shore of Lake Michigan at my magical little cottage nestled in the woods. I am with a group of soulful women and we are sharing stories, enjoying delicious food that none of us had to plan for, shop for or cook, making art, and, well, retreating.

Since I announced that I would be hosting this retreat, I am noticing some people aren't real sure what to make of a retreat. No matter how appealing the concept of going on  a retreat may sound, a lot of us dismiss the possibility of actually doing it. We think things like: "I could never do that...it's too expensive...I won't know anybody...I won't fit in...I need to be home for my family...My colleagues would be lost without me...I'm not sure what else will be happening at that time...How could I ever leave BY MYSELF for a few days?" Things like that.

I'm sure we can all think of a dozen or so reasons why it's not the right time to take a retreat. We might decide to wait for the stars to be in perfect alignment...

I get that. The truth is though, the stars may never perfectly align. Some things require us to decide that we are going for it. I think because there are so many obvious reasons NOT to leave our families, our work, and our lives for a few days, it is easier to never go for it. 

Of course, I would love for any lovely soul who reads this post to join me in September (sorry boys, this one is for girls only), and I also know that my retreat isn't going to work for everyone. For those of you who are looking for a reason to take a retreat, mine or another one, I came up with a few for you. These are the reasons I have come to appreciate the opportunity to go on retreats, and to carve out the time, space, money, and energy to make it happen when I hear the call.

ALL THE TEDIOUS DECISIONS THAT BOG ME DOWN EACH DAY ARE MADE FOR ME

I live in a house with my husband, our three children, and our family dog. I am mostly responsible for meal planning, grocery shopping, making meals, and cleaning up afterward. Sure, I have help, but for the most part it's on me. I actually enjoy doing all of these things, and it also makes me crazy. 

At a retreat someone else is responsible for planning my meals and buying the ingredients to cook them. Someone else cooks. Someone else cleans up afterward. Words cannot express my gratitude for these people. It is a GIFT to take a break from the decision making process and all that follows when I go on a retreat. When our retreat chef Andi asked what kind of menu I wanted, I said "I want you to prepare the kind of food you would eat if you were taking the absolute best care of yourself." Most retreat planners insist on the most wholesome, delicious, and nutritious food for their guests - made from the freshest ingredients that are organic and local whenever possible. It is worth every penny and logistical nightmare I face when planning to leave my family for a few days to enjoy a meal prepared with love by someone whose charge is to take the best possible care of me.

RETREATS ARE JUST PLAIN OLD FUN!

I'm going out on a limb here and making a huge generalization: American adults don't allow enough time in their lives to play. We work long hours, and sometimes in multiple jobs. We volunteer in the community and in our children's schools. We are constantly plugged in. We carry smart phones and check the Internet. We are non-stop. If we have children, we are likely to be running them around all night to various events and activities. We are tired. We are depleted. We are stressed out. We are often depressed.

We need time to play. It is really that simple. Nobody is going to grant you that time to play because most everyone in your life is in the same boat. Most everyone in your life will ask you for more because they are giving all they can and they need your help.

I learned not long ago that the only way I will ever get time for myself, to do the things I want to do, is to make that time. Sometimes I treat it like an appointment and schedule it in my calendar. Retreats provide endless opportunities to play. I need that. We all need that.

BEAUTY ABOUNDS

I think these pictures speak for themselves. Retreats occur in the most beautiful places around the world. Taking a retreat means getting away from it all.  Sometimes all you can hear are the waves crossing against the shore and the seagulls flying overhead. The hustle and bustle of our every day lives is far behind. We can move slowly if we want to, and speed things up when we're ready. It is quiet. I can hear myself think. I can actually stop thinking and be present in the beauty that surrounds me. It is heaven on earth.

SISTERS

I am one of those lucky women who has a real, live sister. She is one of my favorite people on this planet. We fought when we were kids so we didn't always adore each other, but I absolutely adore her now. One of the neatest things about having a sister is not having to explain myself to her. She knows me. She loves me exactly as I am. We have differences, and we can talk about them most of the time, and so far we have left each conversation still loving each other.

At the retreats I have attended, I sit in awe of the women gathered around me. There are these amazing little retreat fairies and angels who oversee the gathering process. They make sure that every woman who is meant to be present at any particular retreat is there. So when we arrive, even if we are complete strangers, we know each other. We love each other exactly as we are.

You might think that people who are alike are drawn together, and I am sure in many cases that is true. Retreats, however, often draw people together who might appear to have nothing in common. At the retreats I've attended, when we first meet we don't know a lot about each other. We don't know who voted for who in the last election. We don't know what kind of sexual partners everybody else prefers. We don't know who has been abused. We don't know each other's salaries. These qualifiers, the stats we use to judge people from time to time, we don't know any of them. In the absence of qualifiers, there is nothing but love. We may have nothing in common but the love in our hearts, and magically, mysteriously, and actually quite logically - that love in our hearts is enough. It is enough to carry us through our time together and to etch a new place in our hearts where we will hold each other forever and ever and ever.

I love, love, LOVE meeting new sisters.

GOING HOME

With all that in mind, you must know the truth. My favorite thing about attending a retreat is going home. The four people pictured above are my everything. They are my world, my heart, and my soul. I will do anything I can to be a better person for them - a better wife, and a better mom. I am moody and absent-minded, and I leave my shoes all over the house. I am often running late and if I am early it is usually because I forgot something. I yell and I am sarcastic. When I come back from a retreat, I am fresh. Being fresh and new - rejuvenated, replenished, and relaxed - is the greatest gift I could ever give my husband and my children.

That's where I think a lot of women make a huge mistake. I used to think that taking time for myself made me a bad mom. I felt guilty about it. I made stories up about myself and other women who made time in their lives for things they enjoyed. What I have found to be truer than true is that it is actually a very good thing for me to go away, for me to do things I enjoy, for me to connect with other women, and to miss my husband and children. It is okay. They are fine without me. They have fun and they don't trip over my shoes. Sometimes they don't eat very well, but hey, that's the "Dad Way" in our house. When I come back they get the very best of me. I can't wait to see them, to hug them and kiss their cheeks, and to hear all about the things they did while I was gone. I love coming home, and being able to fully appreciate the sweet beings I have to which to return.

If a retreat calls to you, definitely entertain the voices in your head that follow. And when they are finished and it is quiet again, know this: you are worth the cost of the retreat and the time away from your job and your family. Everyone and everything you leave behind will be just fine without you. Make a commitment to figure out a way to to attend the retreat of your choice. Upon your arrival, all your needs will be met and you won't even have to think about it. You will have fun and you will make new friends. Then, at the end of it all, you get to go home. It is one of the very best gifts you can give to yourself and to the people you care about most in this world.

We don't expect our cars to run without gas so how can we expect ourselves to run without it? We need fuel - good food, rest, and practices to feed our souls. We need to fill ourselves up with all of this delicious goodness because when we get back, we've got work to do Sisters! Give yourself the gift of a retreat. You won't regret it.

If you are interested in learning more about MY retreat, please click here. I would LOVE to welcome you to my magical little slice of heaven on earth.

Take care Sweet One. xo

Oooh La La!

Here is Alexander, my 7 year-old son, holding the most recent addition to our art collection. This kid is a magician. He has the power to both mortify and charm a girl at the very same time. He used to surprise me with his worldly wisdom, but now I've grown to expect something profound to exit his lips every few days. When it's not profound, it makes me wonder what I'm doing wrong as a mother... Let's just say he is no stranger to profanity. Yes, he is seven.

So enough about children who rock my world with the power to both break and build my heart... A week or so ago I posted this picture of Alexander on Facebook.

I am an avid iphontographer. Meaning I take pictures with my iPhone. All. The. Time. It is amazing what one can do with an iPhone and some cool software these days. Photography is an art that has always left me in awe. Back in the day the process of taking a photo, finishing a roll of film, dropping it off at the drugstore, and waiting, usually impatiently, to take ownership of an entire stack of beautiful new photos - that process was magical to me. I loved plowing through that stack of photos reliving every precious moment captured on film. Hoping I had actually captured the precious moment. Celebrating when I had, and trying not to be disappointed when I hadn't. Let's face it, some moments, the most hard to capture moments, like the sunset, a sleeping baby, and the Red Rocks in Sedona must be lived and appreciated fully in the moment. The pictures are simply a reminder of that moment.

I spent years carefully placing my photos in albums - remember those magnetic pages with the sticky stuff on them? I made my own scrapbooks, and felt as if I had died and gone to heaven when I learned there was an entire world that existed around what I had been doing in my own way for years - scrapbooking! I loved it all. The entire process. And as much as I love the instant gratification we experience now with digital photography, a part of me misses the rush I'd get when I'd finally get to see the product of my work after waiting with anticipation through an entire process.

Now I get a taste of that high through software like PicMonkey. It's not exactly the same, but I really enjoy my new process of clicking "Apply" and seeing my photos change right before my eyes. I enjoy seeing the many ways a photo can change with a simple click - adding "clarity" or a vintage look. Playing with the filters is really so much fun, and anyone can do it.

I still appreciate the art of photography and I sit in awe of the professionals. Seeing the ways they work their magic is inspiring. I guess the software is much like the magic kit I received as a gift as a child. I'm doing tricks with my software for sure, but it is play in comparison to the transformation that takes place at the hands of a real live magician.

Finally, we have arrived to the point of my post. If you love to play with pictures and even words, like I do, AND you are in the market for some meaningful art for your home, please consider this... I snapped that picture of my son and used PicMonkey to play with the filters and add a poem I found by Mary Oliver that fit both the image and the boy in it - within minutes. I uploaded it to Snapfish and within a week I have a brand new piece of art on canvas. I LOVE it! I love it so much, I just had to share it with you. I didn't anticipate you'd get an entire story to go with it, but that happens with me sometimes.

Go... Make some magic! Enjoy! xo

Wisdom from Mama

A few weeks ago, this mysterious being appeared just a few steps from my door...

Meet Mama, a female snapping turtle. She seemed to have either fallen from the sky or sprouted up from the earth. She arrived in her spot with intention. I thought I saw her laying eggs as I watched her, but then I thought maybe it was just her legs moving. I was mesmerized.

Reptiles fascinate me. When I see one, especially so close like this, I feel powerfully linked to all of time - to dinosaurs! I watched her carefully and took some pictures. My daughter didn't want to leave Mama. I didn't think she could move too far too fast, but within a half an hour of our departure, she was gone. It seemed so sudden that I thought maybe I had imagined the entire thing.

With the help of a friend, I learned that this mama was most likely laying her eggs by my door. She dug a hole, deposited her offspring, and returned to the creek behind our home. The process is awe-inspiring, and while she did it all on instinct, it was deliberate - thoughtful even.

I learned that as one of the oldest reptiles, the turtle was a symbol of Mother Earth to the Native Americans. The turtle is a reminder that Mother Earth provides for all of our needs.

As I dug deeper with Mama Turtle, I was also taking stock of the end of another school year. I was thinking about my mistakes - like the music night we completely forgot about, and the decisions I made about the next year - moving my son to a new school and enrolling my daughter in full day kindergarten. None of these decisions were taken lightly, and yet I wondered if I had thought of everything - explored every option? Prepared for every possible outcome?

Sometimes I feel so unqualified to be making such weighty decisions. I wonder if I'm not doing enough to help my children navigate their lives? And if I am doing enough, is it too much? Am I overbearing? Will they be equipped to leave home when it is time? Will they remember to chew with their mouths closed when I am not there to remind them? Being a parent is so hard. For me. I think it is hard for a lot of people, and I am not sure we always feel comfortable admitting that. I know a lot of mamas spend a lot of time wondering and worrying about the choices they are making that affect their children.

In the midst of my day and my reflecting, I couldn't stop thinking about Mama. A highly esteemed reptile, she is so revered that she is thought to symbolize the mother of ALL mothers - Mother Earth. How could that be? How could a creature who lays her eggs and leaves her babies to make their own way back to the water represent this divine Mother? It wasn't adding up in my mama mind as I spent the day wondering where I had held on too tightly and where I still needed to let go.

I thought about my sister, who had just delivered her second child safely and lovingly into the world, and how she and her new son would be closely connected for many months to come. He dependent on her for everything... Her wondering if she was doing everything she possibly could to meet his needs and help him ease into life outside the womb. With him every single step of the way, she would never dream of leaving him to make his own way in the world. That is what it means to be a human mama - we are gifted in the art of wondering an worrying, and in holding on and learning when to let go.

By the end of the day, I realized that Mama Turtle might be one of my greatest teachers. Maybe leaving her babies to make their own way back to the water is the bravest thing a mom can do for her young. It is sometimes hard to accept this, but the truth is, each of my children is on his or her very own journey. And, I am on mine. Much of what we do, especially while they are children, is done together, but eventually they will be left to walk their paths without me by their sides.

I can hold on tight and let go again, I can intervene and stand back, and I will continue to wonder and worry, but the truth is no matter what I do to help guide my children, it is ultimately up to them to make it back to the water.

Thank you Mama Turtle. xo

Reflections on Making Art, Turning 40, and Living Life with the Man of My Dreams

Yesterday was Dan's 40th birthday (Dan is my husband). Dan is one of those guys who doesn't sit around and wait for his birthday for gifts. If he wants something, he will usually figure out a way to get it. This is great for him, but makes it really hard for the rest of us who like to give him gifts. We have a pile of papers from a few of his grandfather's businesses and I thought it would be really cool to incorporate them into a collage for Dan for his birthday. I knew he was going to love it!

Dan is a car guy, and his grandpa was too. Once I had the paperwork assembled, I searched for some vintage car ads online. Then I decided I needed some pictures. I didn't know where I was heading with this project, but I was having fun so I didn't think too much about the outcome.

Ready to roll...

An opportunity to be present in the moment and to not worry about the outcome - that is what I love about the kind of art I do. I spent most of my life worried about the outcome of EVERYTHING. I knew it would be lovely to live in the moment, but I didn't always allow myself that pleasure as I was worried about where the moment might lead. Or, not lead. What if the moment is leading nowhere? God forbid.

Honestly, when I'm cutting and arranging and gluing, and creating layers of color and texture and mixed media goodness, I don't think much at all. I am playing like my five year-old daughter plays make believe. She is IN THE MOMENT. Hours could pass her by and she probably wouldn't even notice. She. Plays. That. Is. All.

When I finished Dan's birthday gift it looked like this:

I loved it. And, I was mortified.

I loved this photo of Dan and his parents and the '55 Chevy that Dan adored when he was a kid.

I love this stamp - it is the word "celebrate" and the definition, but you would really have to be looking to see it. It's hidden.

I love this picture of our family on a beach in Maui. We took it on our last day in Hawaii this Spring. Actually, right before we headed to the airport to come home.

I was really excited when I found these vintage car ads online. These two dudes look so happy in their convertible.

I love Grandpa Joe's stationery and receipts in the background. I think this is such a neat way to enjoy a keepsake.

I love this little Spartan football guy playing the piano! This is from the cover of a football game program. Dan and I met at Michigan State and he is a die hard Spartan fan so it was only natural to include some Sparty love in his gift. This was perfect.

I could have gone nuts, trying to incorporate pictures of every significant person in Dan's life, but I was on a bit of a deadline, so I just made sure to include his grandparents. 40 is such a milestone birthday. It's kind of like a launching pad into real adulthood. Technically, we've been adults for a while, but I think the first 40 years were just a repeating pattern of being an infant, a toddler, a school-aged, child, and a young adult. As soon as you near the point of real adulthood, say around 18, you go back to being an infant again. You need to learn to talk, walk, and navigate life all over again, from an adult perspective, even though you're really still a baby! At 40 you can relax into adulthood. But you can never forget how you got there, or where you came from. Our grandparents are the links to that origin.

Grandma Mary

Grandpa Joe

Grandpa Jim and Grandma Pat

This is a piece of an old book. The start of Chapter IV to be exact. I thought it was fitting.

I love this little boy, investigating things, and I had an old date tag where I could stamp May 15 - Dan's birthday. I love assembling all these little pieces of Dan's heritage - where he came from, where he is, and where he might be headed... In creating this piece, I was having my own personal celebration of Dan.

One of the things I noticed right away about Dan when I met him was that he loved quotes - just like me! He also kept a journal. And, he was an artist. He was THE artist until recently, but that is a different story. I love how grounded Dan is in what he believes and in how he lives his life. One of my first favorite quotes, when I first started taking note of these things in my quote journal (I am a nerd and I am okay with that), was "If one advances confidently in the direction of his dreams, and endeavors to live the life he has imagined, he will meet with a success unexpected in common hours." -Henry David Thoreau. I remember being thrilled when I found out Dan loved that quote too. We came from very simple backgrounds. We didn't always have it easy, and so I love the image of us as young kids, living our separate lives, and both embracing the idea that our dreams were worth pursuing. 

So, of course I had to include this quote, and I think it is really the central theme of this birthday gift - the affirmation that in the course of pursuing his dreams with resolution, Dan has succeeded in ways he never could have imagined. I mean, look at the wife he scored! (only partially kidding) I never want to burden my children with the job of living the life I never had, or anything like that, but I do think there is something to be said for expanding your family's horizons. Dan has certainly done that, and I imagine his grandparents and parents are so proud of him for going beyond what he knew to pursue his dreams.

I love this picture of Dan looking out into the sky. I took it in Sedona, Arizona this winter. Nothing but red rocks and blue sky for miles. It was beautiful.

At this point, reflecting on all the love I poured into this baby, I can't even believe how mortified I was when it was finished. I couldn't breathe! It looked like a big, crazy mess to me! I was so afraid that after all that he wouldn't like it. I questioned my whole getting lost in the process approach and began to wonder if Grandma Mary was in the wrong place? Was that really Dan in that picture? Was Sophia going to grow up and be pissed that her face is covered? For the record, if she is, it's her own fault. And so on... 

I am a recovering perfectionist, you see, and sometimes those tendencies creep back into my head to torment me. Making art is my escape from all that though. Usually. I love the kind of art I do because there is no room for perfection. There is no right or wrong. It is all about the process. With all that in mind, how did I find myself in a place of true mortification?

As one of my friends mentioned, I'm sure it had something to do with feeling vulnerable. When I pour my whole heart into something I intend to share, I feel exposed. I really wanted Dan to love it, and I knew there was no way to know whether or not he loved it until he returned from a long day of meetings at work. It turns out, he did love it. I was so relieved. As he looked closely at it, I could sense his appreciation of where he stood in that moment, at 40, and where he had been, and where he was going. And as another friend said, it wasn't made in China. I know he appreciated that.

For me, gosh, what another great lesson about the importance of "trusting in the process." That will be something I say that I'm sure my kids will roll their eyes at eventually. The 11 year-old may already be rolling his eyes at that one. It's so true though, that I can spend a ridiculous amount of time worrying about something that will most likely never happen. I love that making art keeps me in the moment, or in the flow of my creation. There is no space for worry or fear or doubt. It's such a great way to practice that, so I can try to apply it in other areas of my life. The "messes" I see in my art mirror life in so many ways. The layers and textures are just like the joys and struggles I experience each day. They are all part of the great big, delicious whole. It's not always neat, and nowhere near perfect, but it is colorful and meaningful and real. 

With Dan, I look forward to seeing what life after 40 brings, and I do hope it won't be much longer before I can completely relax into it... 

Happy Birthday Dan O.!

xoxo

May Mandala Meditation

When I realized it is May 1st today, I started thinking about how quickly 2013 is flying by. I keep telling myself that it's okay if I'm a little scattered because I'm still recovering from the holidays and the start of the New Year. Um. Right. I've had four months! Maybe I'm just eternally scattered, and I need to accept that?

The great thing about today is that it is absolutely gorgeous outside. I think Spring has finally arrived here in Michigan! We had a very long, grayish-white winter so Spring comes as a huge relief to me. Today the sun is shining and the birds are flying about singing their songs. I am so happy for the birds! I am so happy for all of us!

To celebrate the sunshine and birdsong, I am offering a mandala mediation for May. Meditation is one of my favorite ways to be still and listen. I think it may intimidate a lot of people though because nobody wants to do it wrong. This is a short and sweet little meditation that I hope will serve as a breath of fresh air for you. Anyone can do it.

I created the mandala shown above in the spirit of promoting self-compassion and love. I am finding in my scatteredness that it is more important than ever to be gentle with myself. I am human after all. I am flawed. I make mistakes. I forget things... Sometimes I can be really hard on myself. Unforgiving. What I'm learning is that when I let go of my mistakes and forgive myself for making them, I open up a lot of space in my head and my heart to do more meaningful things. Like make mandalas.

So, take a look at the center of this mandala and notice the little hearts I drew there. They represent the LOVE that is at the center of everything.

Click play to listen to the guided meditation.

Close your eyes, and get comfortable in your seat or lying down. Take a deep breath and relax all your muscles, your limbs, and your face. Take a few deep breaths, and enjoy the meditation...

You are sitting alongside a creek on a bright Spring day.

Birds are chirping all around you and you can hear the water moving next to you.

A warm breeze blows over your face.

Imagine that in your hand you hold a small pile of seeds.

Each seed represents something you could release, something that no longer serves you. 

One seed could be regret over disappointing someone you love, or a grudge against yourself for a mistake you made. One seed might be a bad habit you've picked up, or a self-limiting belief that is holding you back. Take a deep breath, and on the exhale, blow your seeds into the creek.

Watch as the seeds fade away into the water, to be recycled into Mother Earth.

Feel the lightness that comes over you. You are no longer weighed down. You are free. Sit still as the new empty space inside you is filled with love. Let the love wash over you. Take a deep breath in slowly, taking in the love. Exhale any residue left behind from the seeds you released.

Take another deep breath. Let it go. You are loved. You are worthy of receiving the love you give so freely to others. Let that love into your heart. Embrace it. Wrap your arms around yourself and squeeze yourself into a warm, loving hug. Take a deep breath. Let it go. Wiggle your fingers, and  your toes. Come back to your body, and get ready to go back out into the world...

What will you do with all that love?

Image courtesy of Tara Catalano of Tara Catalano Studios

www.taracatalono.com

I hope you enjoyed that little treat!
Take care my friend!
xoxo

p.s. Special thanks to my mom for the beautiful forsythia she brought to my house today, and to Tara Catalano for allowing me to use her gorgeous art in this post!

p.p.s. I've never made a video for a post before! I'm letting myself off the hook for its amateur quality, and I hope you will too! :)